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10 August 2009

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Dani B

True story: My grandmother can't quite manage on her own any more, so she lives with my aunt's family. No driver's license and a new neighbourhood have meant a big upheavel, so to help keep her social life active all of the grandchildren take turns driving her to church euchre nights or the local senior's centre or to visit girlfriends. She always protests that she doesn't want to be any trouble, we say that it isn't (because truly, it isn't), and she puts on her earrings and goes. Last week we had this conversation in the car on the way to euchre:
"Let's skip this and just go for a drink. Or I'll take you for ice cream. You don't want to play cards, do you?"
"I'm lactose intolerent Nanny, and I do like euchre. You taught me, remember?"
"Oh, piss on it, I don't want to go! I hate going to cards because all the people there are so OLD. All they talk about is their joints and their teeth and their feet and they never tell new stories!"
"Nanny, last time I checked, you were 87. How old ARE these people exactly?"
"What does my age have to do with how OLD I am?! *scadalised stare*"

Happy Birthday!

sophanne

Hugh Heffner is old enough to be your father!

Angie

Happy birthday! I vote for Dani's grandma.

Amy

Well, as I noted to someone recently, my little crush on the kid who plays Harry Potter is kinda creepy, because I'm old enough to be his mother. In fact, if I was Loretta Lynn and had my first kid at 14, and that kid had a kid at 14, I could be Harry Potter's grandmother. And you're just that much older than me, that you could be Harry Potter's great-grandmother, if you were Loretta Lynn. Here's hoping you prefer Prof. Snape.

Or feel free to go all cougar, if you like.

PICAdrienne

So, what is the big deal about being 60, as long as you are still seeing the top of the grass and not the bottom of it? Top side is a far preferable view.

However, in an attempt to make you laugh, just remember, turning 60 is not a big deal, it is a shrivelled up deal.

Diane

A.) I once had a little booklet that wished the recipient a sweet and happy birthday in multiple pages until the last page where it said "Happy Birthday you Old Fart". I sent it to Sister #1 the first year, who sent it to Sister #2 the second year and eventually back to me. It still makes the rounds every half decade or so. Yes, we do so love the insults in this family.

B.) My mother was a feisty old lady, particularly after she hit her 80's. On a visit to our local bank where she'd had an account forever, she happened to get a sweet young thang as a teller. The girl treated Mom like a moron because she was a little slow in filling out some forms. Mom finally snapped "Look, I'm old but I'm not stupid, now shut up and let me concentrate." The bank manager who had known Mom for 50 years, nearly fell on the floor laughing before he took over.

So how are you celebrating this momentous occasion?

lisa

Just be glad your 60 isn't looking like Joan Rivers... because she does not really look Fabulous, she looks really REALLY scary. But I still think she has her own quotient of Fabulous.

Here's the song that met me on my answering machine at work on my birthday: (sung like a monotone dirge)

Happy birthday, happy birthday
Misery
and
despair
people dying everywhere
happy birthday happy birthday

But, hey, it's your birthday, isn't that Fabulous!!!????

Miss T

Maybe you can go on tour with Tina Turner!

Nora

Happy birthday to you!! Enjoy every minute!

"I have everything I had twenty years ago - except that it is now all lower."
- Gypsy Rose Lee

Cookie

Happy Birthday! I hope you're having a wonderful day!

The model? She has better skin than I do now. Plus I have more gray. Kids today. /sigh

xo

Laurie

Happy birthday!

I saw a card: You've sustained metabolic processes for another year. Happy birthday, and congratulations on a life well lived.

Beverley

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'


By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people. (What about Muffin the mule)


I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.


Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning..

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.


If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.


1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with table side juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles

4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14... Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!


I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Yes well I scored 13 !!! so guess I am older than dirt too.

I am nearly 60 [40] too enjoy your day!

Sheepish Annie

60? That is fabulous! Now you can stop at any yarn store you want! Your blinker is always on anyway so you might as well turn...

Happy Birthday!

deb

60 - Just do it! Apologies to Nike. Ah - screw um.

Julie

I'm too tired to think of anything funny so I'll just wish you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

p.s. 60 is not old!

Chris

Happy birthday! Brain dead. Working still. Haz no funny.

cursingmama

Happy Birthday!

Annie has me still laughing!

marianne

Happy Birthday! Hope your day has been absolutely brilliant :^)
heh... I remember everything Beverly wrote about and listed! (except my dad wore levis!) Old as dirt?
Sorry no 'funny' here, just wanted to help celebrate your day.

Jeanne

Happy Birthday!

georgi

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with one of my "red neck" friends, the other day, I think we have found the solution.

I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let’s take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have
to pay any income tax.

Happy Birthday!

LizzyK8

I'd love to share a funny story with you, but I can't remember any....I'm almost 60 and have no memory left....

Happy Birthday!

Heather

A very happy birthday to you! Just think of yourself as a very experienced 20 year old. :)

PICAdrienne

Crud! I just took the older than dirt quiz and got a 12...I am only 45. I guess my kids are right, I am older than dirt.

tut-tut

Funny stories, hmmmmm. I'll try. Maybe.

k

My grandmother started lying about her age - when she turned 80. She thought it made her sound like she was old.

My mother always said she was 29.

Me? I'm 29, more or less.

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