kmkat and her kneedles

H is for hijinks.

Lest you think we accountants do nothing but crunch numbers and whine about it, let me show you a few candid shots I took this year.

What's going on here?

Every night about 8:30 it becomes problematic to walk anywhere on the outer perimeter hallway because of Jim's and Chris's nightly putting contest.

Too much snow on the ground in March to play outdoors, but our carpet is green. That's close enough for these two. They putt all the way around the office, then up and down the center hall. Every night. 8:30. If they ever start practicing their chip shots I'm outta here.

One Sunday afternoon they lured Pat into their game.

Knowing the first two, I suspect the newcomer got fleeced. They are killers, those two.

Actually, we are all competitive, albeit in some unexpected ways.

Get ready...

Get set...

Go!

The fingers fly. The youngsters use Excel on their computers with the 10-key attachment...

while a couple  of the experienced hands rely on their faithful ol' 10-keys.

I hate entering numbers with decimal points. Who cares about the pennies? They just slow me down. Unbeknownst to the youngsters, though, we old folks know that we can set our ten-key to insert the decimal point without that extra keystroke. In the words of the poet: Old age and treachery beat youth and skill every time.

Youth and advanced technology prevailed here, though. That's the winner (of a $50 gift card!) in the white sweater and ponytail.

Meanwhile, the nightly drama of the putting contest continues. Er...

WTF? Where are they?

And Bill takes it home. Baby needs gets new shoes.

* * * * *

Today is my last day and I am floating a couple inches above the floor. I love what I do, and I love being done.

* * * * *

If anyone is counting, yeah, I skipped G. I'll try to catch up later. TTFN, folks!

Accounting is like knitting, only different.

I've been thinking about what I do at work in terms of something La Harlot said the other night, and I thought I'd share it with you. Just in case you have always wondered exactly what it is that I do.

Preparing 1040s is not terribly difficult. They are remarkably similar -- W-2 wages, some interest, some dividends, some stock sales, a few K-1s (reporting their share of the income and expenses from a partnership), maybe a pension or some stock options, deduct some real estate taxes and mortgage interest and contributions, add up how much they have already paid in withholding and/or quarterly estimate payments, and wham!bam!thankyoumam! it's done. Of course, those are the easy-peasey ones; entrepeneurs tend to have much more complicated returns. Expatriates' and really rich people's returns have their own quirks, as do those of the children of the latter.

I have done my share of all of those this year (except the expatriates; we have a whole department that does nothing but those), plus the odd trust return and a handful of gift tax returns. My big headache, though, has been the returns for thirty-plus investment partnerships. The money manager sends us a massive Excel spreadsheet for each partnership with all the information for that partnership and its partners, anywhere from twenty to over three hundred partners per partnership. We import that data into our tax software, tie up a few loose ends, and it's done.

Except of course it isn't quite that easy. The spreadsheet doesn't add across and down because of rounding errors, which we have to find and adjust. The spreadsheet is not in the correct format to import so we have to manipulate it. Some of the columns have to be combined, some have to be split, some have to be created, yada yada. And then, just to make it more fun, every so often we run across something that doesn't make sense, we ask the client about it, and they end up giving us a whole new set of spreadsheets. Rinse and repeat. How many times can they screw it up? Every time, apparently.

Okay, here's the knitting analogy. (You were waiting for that, right? Right.)

It's like knitting a huge lace stole from a series of charts. Cast on 320 stitches, follow the first chart, then the second, and so forth. Except that the charts are written in Tagalog and you have to translate them into English before you can begin. (Yeah, I know that the big advantage of a chart is that it is NOT language dependent; work with here, 'kay?) You get them translated and start knitting. Along the way you discover that whoever wrote the chart was not exactly paying attention, and there are a number of random errors, which you have to catch and correct before you can proceed. If you miss one, you will find it a few [hundred] rows later and have to frog back to correct it, so you pay very close attention, so close that your brow furrows and your shoulders hunch and your lower back feels like the roots of a pot-bound cactus.

But you persevere and knit all the way to the end of the first chart... whereupon you are told that that was the wrong chart and you have to start over.

The new chart, instead of being written in Tagalog, in which you are now a bit of an expert, is written in Xhosa with footnotes in Urdu, and besides, now you are behind schedule and thus have to work even faster/harder/smarter to catch up. Knit, knit, knit, from 8:30am until 10pm, with a couple breaks for coffee and quick meals and to run to the printer and the bathroom and maybe to whip out a 1040-- , er, a scarf, or two; go home, come back tomorrow, and do it again. Endlessly. Because the charts and stoles, they just keep a-comin'.

Meanwhile, there are literally hundreds of other knitters waiting for you to finish these stoles. Unlike a real knitted piece, when finished your stole will be magically broken apart into hundreds of tiny pieces that will then become parts of other knitters' stoles. They cannot knit their stoles until yours is done and blocked and dried and checked for dropped stitches and missed yarn-overs. All those other knitters are trying to be polite and not bother you, but you can feel the pressure of their impatience. Once in while one will ask, "How's it going? Are you getting close?" and you bite off their tiny head because you Just. Can't. Help. It.

And that's why I may not be blogging much for awhile. The jailers tell me there is no internet access in the cells reserved for homicide suspects, and besides, it's really hard to type when wearing a straight jacket...

In which I drop the pencil and go see La Harlot.

I knew that The Yarnery was bringing Stephanie Pearl-McPhee to St. Paul on her current book tour, but I had completely forgotten about it, even as I was reading La Harlot's blog posts this week about the tour and her appearances in Charlotte and Lexington and New York. When her visit to our neighboring city to the east was announced back in January or so, I took one look at the date -- April 10, five days before Tax Day -- and knew there was no way I could contemplate going. So I forgot all about it.

Until I read Cursing Mama's blog post yesterday. And then read Jeanne's comment that she was planning to go, even though she didn't have a ticket -- she was counting on the weather to prevent some folks from showing up. (In case you don't have an RSS feed on Twin Cities weather, we are currently under a winter storm warning, with accumulations of s**w of up to 12" possible/likely. Sheesh. It's April. Anyway.)

I read all that at about 2:30 pm. At 4 pm I thought about it again. At 5 pm I surveyed my desk and decided I had about two hours of work left, which wasn't critical and could wait until Friday morning. So I left work. At 5 pm.

Wait, let me repeat that: I left work at 5 pm.

I have not left work that early since... ever. Even if I were done at 5, which I never am, I  wouldn't leave then because I would end up sitting in traffic.

So I got my car and drove out of the ramp.

 

My plan to zoom over to St. Paul hit a couple glitches right away. Sorry, no photo of the ambulance that almost t-boned me. Oops.

 

The line of cars to get onto I-94 heading to St. Paul, above, was 4 or 5 blocks long, without even considering the lineup on the quarter-mile-long entrance ramp. Hmmmm.

I didn't live in the city of Minneapolis for 32 years without learning a thing or three about getting from Point A to Point B (even if Point B is in St Paul), so I plotted myself a course that did not involve the freeway and headed out.

Will she make it by 6, when the doors open?

There was still some significant traffic to deal with on the Franklin Avenue bridge.

From my vantage on on my bridge I could see the I-94 bridge, where the traffic wasn't moving very well. It's the left to right traffic, below, that is heading towards La Harlot; it wasn't as bad as the right to left traffic, but it wasn't good, either.

Once I got across the river, though, it was clear sailing, er, driving. Long ago I lived near downtown St. Paul for part of one year and biked to the University of Minnesota every day for summer school classes. I got to know the East River Road very well. That knowledge served me well last night.

Almost there...

   

Yes, I made it in plenty of time. Best of all, I ran into Cursing Mama, who had an extra ticket because her friend who had planned to go had decided that weather was too bad to drive *all the way from Hudson.* Thanks, Keri, for not coming! Thanks, O Profane Mother, for the ticket!

I had a sock OTN in my purse -- emergency knitting, the words of La Harlot. But it is destined for someone else and I didn't have her foot measurements with me so I just tried it on myself and decided it was time to start the short-row heel. Of which I have not done one for about 2 years, and it never worked very well when I did it, and I didn't have any instructions with me, so I just  winged it. If it ain't right, I'll frog it; but at least I had something to do while I waited.

Do I have lots of photos of La Harlot and all the knitters and the gorgeous knitwear that I saw? No, because I forgot my camera in the car. (Duh.)You'll have to check out others' blogs to see it all. But I was there, clapping and singing "Oh , Canada" right with them.

And laughing along with The Yarnery Family Singers ("Argyles and fair isles and warm woolen mittens...", to the tune of "My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music; "Steph-aaaaaaah-nnnie, Steph-aaaaaaahh-nnnie..." to the tune of "Eidelweiss", ditto). Here are some videos courtesy of Shelley Kang that I found on YouTube:

Stephanie P-M confessed to having brought the nasty weather with her. This was the scene this morning:

   

But all is well. I saw La Harlot.

Random Wednesday.

It's the first week of February, ergo, I am wearing my CPA green eyeshade once again. The people I work with tell me that it is a mixed blessing to see me again every year. They very kindly say it is good to have me back, but it also makes it officially Busy Season. Ouch.

* * * * *

Andrew's laptop. Tell us what you really think, Andrew.

* * * * * * * * * *

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

Not quite as well-educated as I thunk:

Your English Skills:

Vocabulary: 100% Grammar: 80% Punctuation: 80% Spelling: 60%

Thanks to Cursing Mama for the link. And thank FSM for spell-check.

* * * * * * * * *

The dog blanket that Amy asked me to knit for the Rolling Dog Ranch Animal Sanctuary has been my mindless knitting since I finished the preemie caps. An unexpected benefit of the Mason-Dixon ballband dishcloth pattern as interpreted in double-stranded acrylic is that the resulting objet d'knit is thick and squishy, just like a cushion. Perfect for a pooch's nap.

When finished it will be ~30" square; it's about half done now. Smokey has remarked that our dogs each need a blanket like that. To paraphrase EZ the Great, another opportunity to do more of our favorite hobby.

* * * * * * * * * *

Two-day knitting retreat. With CPE credit.

While others were listening to the speakers and following along in their (>5 pounds) 3-ring binder of speakers' handouts and making notes in the margins and highlighting the most important points, what was I doing? Listening closely. And knitting.

How much can I knit in two days? This much:

That is the back of my kimono sweater, 140 stitches wide. The first thing I did during the Monday morning keynote session was frog half that narrow red stripe to fix some wonky stuff. Overall I am pleased with my progress and reluctantly realizing this sweater requires a lot of knitting. Onward!

* * * * *

I blew it on Monday for NaBloPoMo, but in my defense I did not have actual internet access. Had I been really, really dedicated I could have stood in line at one of the internet cafes* at the conference and put up one of the draft posts I have waiting in the wings. But I spent my time gathering freebies at the vendor exhibits and eating the snacks provided and chatting with friends. Oh, well...

* Internet cafe = a couple laptops on stand-up tables.

Addicted.

I have become addicted to the striped Noro scarf, as you can clearly see above. The one at the left has been seen here before; it is for the Red Scarf Project and was actually knit from Plymouth Boku. The other two are the real thing, both knit from Noro Silk Garden and both intended as Christmas presents. I also have 4 more skeins of Boku lying lightly in my stash, intended for a scarf similar to the first one but with a bit more red, and intended for myself [insert selfish giggle].

I cannot describe in words how much fun it is to make these scarves, to watch the different colors come out of the ball and onto the needle, to see what color falls next to another, to see how they contrast and complement each other. It is sheer magic. I have decided that Noro SG is okay with me. Irregularities in the yarn are were previously annoying are now charming; now it is reminiscent of handspun rather than incompetence. In fact, when I was working on the rightmost scarf above in the car on the yarn crawl a couple weeks ago, every one of the Fiber Guild spinners asked me independently if the yarn were handspun. I just wish the [significantly cheaper] Boku came in as many color variations as the Noro.

QuasiPseudoNeoNoro:

Multicolored Noro scarf:
Yarn: Noro Silk Garden, most of 2 skeins each of colors 204 and 249, bought on eBay.
Needles: Knit Picks Options US#7.
Pattern: Cast on 39 st. 1x1 ribbing. Slip 1 purlwise wyif at beginning of each row. Edited to add: Work 2 rows from one color, then 2 rows from the second color. Repeat until scarf is long enough or you run out of yarn.

Natural/brown/gray Noro scarf:
Yarn: Noro Silk Garden, most of 2 skeins each of colors 267 and 269.

* * * * *

Big changes happening here:

I'm going back to work at the accounting firm for a few weeks to help in the pre-October 15th mini-busy season. (October 15th is the date that individual returns that were extended last April are due, plus the last date that 2003 amended returns can be filed.) So I will be back in Minneapolis, hanging out with my orange cat Tabby, and coming back here to the lake on weekends. It's all good: I like the work, I like the people, and the extra paycheck means Smokey can let up a little at his job and be able to work on the projects he wants to finish up before winter.

Matthew got a callback for an internship at a video post production company in Minneapolis. I was able to help him get his foot in the door because my cousin runs the company, but they use interns regularly, plus he has spent time there before and they know his work. He will probably work there for most of the next year.

I don't remember if I have talked about his plans before. He graduated from high school last spring. He wants to go into graphic design and advertising, and his educational plan is to attend the Minneapolis College of Art and Design. But although he is very bright, he is not a scholar, and he didn't want to move directly from high school to college -- he wanted a year off from the pressure of assignments and homework. So this internship/job is exactly what he wanted and needed. He will live in the basement of our Minneapolis house.

We both start Monday morning. We are all smiling. Life is good.

I've been tagged!

Thanks to Susan Rainey I shall now give you eight (8) random facts about myself. Thank you, Susan, I have been out of town and away from the blog for a week and was having a difficult time trying to figure out how to get back into it. This should do the trick.

1. I have been to Japan (twice), the Philippines, England (twice), Scotland, and South Africa, plus all 50 states except Delaware and Louisiana. I like to see new places. But even though I have an undergrad degree in art history, I have never visited the Louvre, the Uffizi, Rome, or the National Gallery in Washington. Yet.
2. When I was a year old I won a beautiful baby contest. I still have the trophy cup.
3. I joined the Naval Reserve to go shopping. The squadron in which my husband and brother-in-law drilled was going to Japan for its annual two-week ACDUTRA. There was a program in place right then where any idiot -- enter me -- could sign up for a two-year reserve commitment without ever going through basic training or active duty. I talked my way into being an aviation storekeeper second class (E5) by convincing the interviewers that my CPA experience enabled me to audit their system, not just work it. It didn't hurt that the interviewers were middle-aged+ men and I was a more-or-less attractive 30-year-old. Sheesh.
4. I have spent less than 5% of my life without a cat. I have also been licked by a cheetah. When I walked into the [tame] cheetah's enclosure I heard a rumbling, buzzing sound that sounded like purring. And it was. Apparently cheetahs are not roaring cats, so they can purr like housecats, alberi louder. All together now, "Awwwwww..."
5. I got a perfect score of 75 on the GCT, the intelligence test given to military recruits. The recruiters then asked if I wanted to sign up for a four-year enlistment in the regular Navy and go to nuke school. Needless to say, I declined. Just because I could figure out which way a boat would turn if the rudder were shifted to one side doesn't mean I want to be on a submarine or carrier in the world's second largest nuclear navy. (That last phrase was popular among the enlisteds during my sojourn among them. Neither I nor they know who had the world's largest nuclear navy. I suspect the whole thing is fictitious.)
6. Although I have never met a famous person (except for a few well-known knitbloggers), I have done countless tax returns for members of a family whose name is often associated with the Doughboy. And if my employer reads this blog -- FSM forbid! -- I may be looking for a new job come next tax season. Confidentiality and all.
7. I have qualified twice for Jeopardy! but have never been chosen to appear on the show. Yet. I have learned a couple things, though. Dress like you are appearing on the show and don't piss off the interviewer.
8. I have been on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, where the public, no matter how well-connected, never gets to go anymore.

I now tag Dorothy, Cindy, Lisa, and Gale. I had at least half a dozen others in mind as possibles to tag, but when I caught up on Bloglines today I found that they had all been tagged already. So, in lieu of the proper number of taggees, I give you more Useless Facts About Me.

• I always read the directions, even when they are crap, and always attempt to follow them, often until I am so confused that I'm ready to give up whatever is the task at hand. Then I do what I should have in the first place: use my own brain.
• I still have my appendix and tonsils but not my wisdom teeth nor uterus. I have never missed it any of them. (The ovaries are a different matter, however.)
• I once left my husband in a McDonald's in Tennessee and didn't realize it until I was pulled over 90 miles later in Kentucky by a highway patrolman. "Missing anybody?" he smirked. When I took a good look at the pile of sleeping bags and pillows in the back of the station wagon I realized there wasn't a body in them. (That was 20 years ago, and yes, we are still married.)
• I love peach-flavored foods -- yogurt, soda -- but not peaches. My favorite fruits are watermelon, really ripe blueberries, and raspberries. Cantalope was not a favorite until I was an adult. Delicious apples, except golden delicious, are satanic fruit.

* * * * *
Because what is a blog post without pictures, here are a couple few.

Hlep!

(Yes, I know I misspelled the title. It's more appropriate spelled that way, believe me.)

I am whoring for begging requesting comments. Give me a joke, link me to a cartoon, tell me a funny story -- anything to make me smile! Please!

I'll tell you why.

I'm typing this right after I got home from work. It is 2:17 am. Next Tuesday is Tax Day and I am an accountant. This is what we do for fun. I worked until 11:30 Monday night, 12:30 Tuesday night, and 1:30 am tonight. Anyone sensing a trend here? When I posted my time before I left tonight I found I had already worked 55 hours this week. And I only worked 4.5 hours on Sunday.

Please don't commiserate or offer sympathy or pat my head. I signed up for this, they pay me, and there was at least one person still working when I left. Could have been more, but I didn't walk the aisles of Cube Land to check.

What I need are little, i.e., quick! short! things to boost me up. Truly I love what I do, it's just that I'm kinda tired. Kinda.

So, anybody got a quickie? The fewer words the better -- no shaggy dog stories, please. Pictures of cute kittens welcome, cartoons of the Far Side genre happily accepted. and if anybody could e-mail me a backrub I'd be eternally grateful.

Thank you for your support.

I'm a winner!

During busy season -- early February to April 15th, or 17th this year -- the tax department in my accounting firm does a number of things to keep our spirits up. There is pizza or other food provided for dinner on Wednesday evenings, Finally Friday Happy Hour at 4 pm every Friday complete with games, snacks, and an assortment of adult beverages, and any number of other activities. One year people brought in baby pictures of themselves and there was a contest to see who could i.d. the most. Ten-key adding machine races. Cube aisle mini-golf.

Ah, we accountants are a merry bunch.

Today a director showed up at my cube to inform me I was the "Queue Winner." Individual returns (1040s) that don't require a particular person's skill to prepare are put into a general queue, and whenever anyone runs low on work they go pull a return from the queue. I've only pulled 2 returns so far this year, but one of them had been designated to be the winner.

 

I got a $10 Starbucks card, a computer cleaning brush, and a fancy-schmancy highlighter with built-in Post-it® markers. The latter two items are emblazoned with the firm name, but I suspect they might not think it was cute to have their name appearing in a purported knitting blog, so  they are showing you their backsides. Here is the loot, posing in front of my QvsNQ stock option cheat sheet. I know you are all jealous of my highlighter/post-it thingie: eat your hearts out :-)

And feel free to steal my cheat sheet. I am sure it will come in handy someday.